Tonight, along with my husband, I attended a prayer service for a state-wide day of prayer event. In which, by the way, my husband and I are participating in the area of worship. From the moment I arrived I could feel my heart race, my palms got sweaty and I was, internally, though maybe externall too, uncomfortable.
We arrived, were greeted by a lovely welcoming comitee, ushered to our seats and the first thing I lean over to tell my husband is, "That made me uncomfortable; when that happens I feel like my space was invaded." And although that is how I genuinely felt about it, did I have to voice it?
If by that last paragraph you haven't noticed, I'll tell you, I'm an introvert. I like my space and I rally like it when others have their own space too.
So, we were praying and people went to the front to pray for various needs. This went on throughout the service when the last prayer session was about to begin.
Now, I'm not going to say this to justify anything, but last night I had a migrane all night and woe to my surprise this evening before heading to the prayer service my headach returned, of couse it compared in nothing to the migrane I had last night. But come to my surprise the person in charge of that last prayer session asked me to go up and pray. I FREAKED! Turned to my husband, Julio, and said no! I declined the invitation to pray!!!
My mind was spinning. I was freaking out, scared, confused and opted to decline a chance to pray. Of course my head hurt, it didn't impare me to pray. But my stomach churned, my pulse elevated and I got so nervous.
So the rest of the service a sat in my seat, with my nervous tic and embarrassed countenance.
This brought on a load of issues. Frist off, I'm totally embarrassed. What was I thinking? And of course my defense mechanism kicked right in and my outward façade was a determined, strong one. Secondly, this put me in an awkward position. All I wanted to do was run, and I did. As soon as the final prayer was prayed and they began with the farewell song I slipped out of there, avoided eye contact with anyone or anything but the floor, went to the restroom and headed straight to the car. I told Julio I was going to the bathroom and I'd meet him out side. Thirdly, I put Julio in a toughy. I new I had embarrassed him as well as soon as he told the leader 'she doesn't feel well and would rather not'. OMG!!! This made me feel a brazillion... I mean, a bazillion times worse!
So now, I began this post from the front seat of my car, waiting for Julio to come out and am now lying here in bed. We argued, he of course has the right to be upset, but I hold fast to my reasons. Even if they do seem childish, they are true fears I know I have to deal with and only with God's help will I ever get over them.
But my lingering concern is, Julio. He believes I had the obligation of praying, I of course don't. It was an invitation and I declined, it could have been handled differently, yes. But he felt the need to go apologize to the pastor and try to explain my actions, which he doesn't understand, to those who asked. So on our way home-silence!
We arrived he pointed out my faults. I expressed my points and the desire I have of him understanding my discomforts and then he watched some TV while I finished up this post. Now we are both in bed and I'm enjoying the sound of raindrops while wondering how this will be mended.
So, why the fears? Beats me! I stand in front of hundreds of people every week. The difference, I prepare and am not caught off guard. My defence mechanism kicks in when caught off guard. I normally have all week to prepare myself, and this time nothing.
So beyond making excuses all I can say is this exiguous area of my being creates more problems for me than a skunk in my trunk.
Now God, this is me asking You for wisdom and strength.
"Life didn't promise to be wonderful." ~Teddy Pendergras
